Why All Superman Movies Suck

American Movies Classic network, a.k.a. AMC, is running a Hero’s movie marathon. It’s running some great movies; Master and Commander (where’s your sequel?), Star Trek: First Contact (the Best of the Next Generation movies by far), Superman and Superman II the Richard Donner Edition. While AMC does liberally throw around the word “classic,” I mean seriously, they are airing K-9 Jim Belushi and a dog. Guess who’s the better actor?

I was glued to the tube watching the first two Superman movies. Not really for the movies themselves, but for memory of how it made me feel when I watched it as a child. It’s the same kind of nostalgia that makes Gen X’ers have ridiculous feelings and expectations about the original Star Wars Trilogy. Watching Superman took me back to the days before DVDs, VHS, even before Betamax when the only time you saw a movies on the TV was when it aired. You sat there in your Underoos and watched movies live and then sprinted to the bathroom during the commercials.

It seemed like there were a few movies that the networks ran once a year, like the Wizard of Oz, The Sound of Music, The Ten Commandments and yes, Superman. My sisters were way more into the musicals than I was, but when it came to Superman, we were all glued to the tube. We were so into the Superman movie that we actually put a tape recorder next to the TV and recorded the audio. Oh, the days before YouTube.

I have recently re-watched all these movies and most of them stood the test of time, which is more than I can say for all the TV shows I watched as a child. The Wizard of Oz and the Sound of Music are such classic musicals that there is hardly an adult alive that can’t sing-a-long with them. The Ten Commandments, they still show that every Easter weekend and honestly what is not to love about it? Yul Brenner, Charlton Heaston in his best non-ape related role and of course who could forget the original Scarface Edward G. Robinson, “Yeah, see Moses, Yeah.” However, its major downfall is that it is longer than most trans-Atlantic air flights.

Then there is Superman, which is great, well not great, but it is the best of the Superman movie. I think it is time we all need to be honest with ourselves, all Superman movies end up sucking . . . Really . . . Really. Okay, now I need to be honest to all of you, I’ve never really like Superman. To me he was always the good looking, athletic, smart over achiever kid from high school/college. Think Brandon Walsh in a Cape.

Honestly, I have never really understood the draw of Superman; I mean he is just so . . . well, super. I find the mythology and back story around Superman to be way more interesting than the actual character himself. He was created and has been developed into a hero that is so powerful and so perfect that nothing can defeat him. At this part of the argument don’t even start in with that Kryptonite nonsense. An obscure mineral, that is green for some reason, from his home planet that will weaken him somehow. It is just ridiculous.

Before we dwell into the downfall of Super-cinema we must address the mythology of the Man of Steel. If comic are the modern American Mythology, then Superman is its Zeus. He is a God on Earth. An all powerful being that mingles amongst us mere mortals in an attempt to make the human race better. But unlike Zeus, Superman does not have the character flaws that can be preyed upon. He is just too good.

That is my main problem with the last son of Krypton. He is indestructible, he can fly, he has super strength, can run super fast, shoots lasers out of his eyes, can freeze things with his breath and if he puts on a simple pair of glasses he is unrecognizable. I mean seriously, how hard is it to fight crime when you got all this going for you?

As for the Superman movies, I won’t deny that they are entertaining. The first one does a great job of setting up the back story of a sole Alien who is adopted by a barren Kansas couple and raised as a human child. It goes on to address the awakening of his powers, the creation of the Fortress of Solitude, the beginning of his life as a mild-manner reporter in Metropolis, Superman’s unveiling and early adventures and then the movie goes way off the track. We all know how it ultimately ends; Superman sets the cosmic reset button, time travel and fixes everything. Kind of like the end of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

The end of every Superman movie is a little crazy: A big plastic “S” and switching off the super powers of the General Zog Triad, red kryptonite and human/super-computer android, Captain Atom and the awkward flying fight, and most recently throwing a continent made of kryptonite into outer space. Yeah . . . crazy!

Here’s the problem. All action movies have a good guy and all good guys need a bad guy to defeat. The movies need to end with a final show down between the all things good and pure protagonist and the single embodiment of evil antagonist. A fight to the death or worse. But how can a Superman movie end successfully when no bad guy can even come close to defeating him. So what are we left with? Crazy plot twists that test Superman’s intellect or will, whatever they are end up leaving us feeling, well, unsatisfied.

But Superman is not alone with this problem. Most comic book based movies have failed when it comes to the bad guys. They have failed for the same reason as well, the good guy is too good and the bad guy is starting from such a place of deficiency that they can never catch up. The movie that came the closest to overcoming this problem was The Dark Knight. In it the Joker did not match Batman’s intelligence or brawn; instead he put him in a number moral dilemmas that were no win situation.

So for the next Superman movie and we all know it is coming, what should the plot line be about? Well I am guessing it is going to be a continuation of the Brian Singer Superman Return, so we are stuck with Brandon Routch, the skinniest of the Super-actors. First thing to do is get rid of Lois Lane’s boyfriend and minimize the super-son nonsense. I mean honestly, we can’t continue these Lois-is-Just-Not-Into-You/Baby Momma story lines. Do what the Dark Knight writers did; mine the comic books for a couple of the darker classic story lines and mash them together. Just don’t make it too dark. Superman has always been the super-hero for a brighter utopian world.

That, or just make Superman: Red Son into a movie.